I am not ready

I am not ready

I am not ready for summer to be over

This is a crazy statement from me as I love...love Fall.  

I love all the colours of the changing leaves, the pumpkin spice everything, the boots, scarves, sweaters, warm blankets and just the cooler days. 

In all honesty it may not be so much about summer but more about losing myself again...

I am not ready for my girl to be in grade 2.

(even though she prayed tonight to be up very early to get ready - she is ready for grade 2) 

I am not ready for my boy to be two and half

(he is only 9 months old to me...) 

I am not ready to take another class or 3!

(I have 3 in total to finish yet...it feels heavy right now) 

I am not ready to bring out my cute scarves or winter boots.

(I haven't worn all my pretty summer stuff)

I am not ready to shovel snow.

(oh wait... I don't do that) 

I am FOR SURE not ready to wear snow suits. 

(they make me look like the Michelin man) 

I am not ready for winter 

(it turns my fingers blue sigh...)

And ...

I am not ready to leave my boy. 

I am just not ready. 

I can feel my anxiety rising.

Feeling anxious and honesty just not ready for any of this. 

They are growing so fast. 

And this new 

'I am not ready'

feelings ... well ... they are new. 

And out of my control. Or out of control 

(I am not sure yet) 

This is not me at all. 

I am usually very excited for the fall. 

It is all new and exciting in the fall 

(in my line of work)

I thought I would be OK. 

If you follow me at all on any of my social media's you can see that we have had a great summer. 

A great summer. A great almost year really. A different year.

A quieter year.

A soul caring year. 

ahhh... there is it is, really. 

It has been a soul caring year. 

A busy 9 months of connecting and bonding and

caring for my boy - and girl. 

Yet at the same time I rested in Him. 

Trusting in Him. 

Nothing was in my control. 

I surrendered all and 

He was guiding it all. 

Being on a parental leave to be home with my family

has been such a blessing. 

Oh it was not all a smooth ride...no there were some long days - especially the first 4 or 5 months of

hard nights , long days, adjusting time, messy days, crying days... and so on...

but I had time 

yes sometimes too much time truth be told

but I did have 

time to spend in the Word, time to cook, time to cry, time to rest, time to write, time to create, time to walk and hike,  time to care for us as a family and very recently - time to learn how to care for myself by creating sacred space and spiritual whitespace. 

And I guess the fear and anxiety is 

that I will lose myself in all the busyness again. 

And if I can be vulnerable not only lose myself in the busyness

but also a very heavy dose of fear that I wont be able to handle it all or do it well. 

I am not ready to see my children grow up so fast. 

It was just yesterday we came home with our son , wasn't it? 

and just yesterday she started play school - here in Norquay. 

Now as I head into tomorrow

her backpack sitting by the door

 I am struggling in letting her go. 

Mostly because I know I will blink and she will be graduated and 

I will blink again and he will be graduated.

(it doesn't help seeing all the posts on social media of students getting ready to leave to go to college!) 

I want to make sure I am there for my hubby and children. 

I want to make sure I am there for myself. 

Creating safe and a healthy space and having time to do what I feel is important. 

And at the same time, I want to make sure I am there for what God

has laid on my heart to do. 

To serve and be obedient to that Call.

I do love my Call.

What God has laid on my heart to do...to care for people, to help with mental heath issues,  to share God's message of Hope and Joy, to be a part of social justice and global missions, to being an advocate for the voiceless, to work with students and families...

(there is a big part of me that is excited as I come back to work...) 

But I ask myself...

Can I do this all?

Am I ready for this new look with two children?

Do I need to give something up? 

How do balance all of this? 

My anxiety tells me ... 

I am not ready...

Yet...I know the truth...

 I go into tomorrow knowing

He is in control. 

I have no idea what the path will look like...

   But what I need to do is to take the first step.

And He will guide the rest of the way. 

He has designed me

and all this 'stuff' that I am working out...

well, it will work out. 

Mostly because I am surrendering it all to Him. 

As my friend says...

with 

'Open Hands' 

All to Jesus I surrender

All to Him I freely give

I will ever love and trust him

In his presence daily live

I surrender all, I surrender all

All to Thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

All to Jesus I surrender
At thy feet I humble bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, Take me now

(Amy Grant)