Fourty Five

I had a birthday last week

I turned 45

It's a large number when you write it down

It feels like that anyways

There are many emotions when it comes to birthdays

and for many of you who know me...

I love birthdays...I love to celebrate...I love birthday weeks...months...

you know...you stretch out your birthday all month...with parties...lunches...coffee dates...dinner dates with friends...the list can be endless...

This year was no exception

The day started with an amazing breakfast
then off to the spa with my friend - lunch and pampering...very nice...

came home to a wonderful dinner with my beautiful family

then wine and cheese with friends 

we continued on by heading to the mountains for almost a week of relaxing and fun

Then reality sets in...

At 45, is my life where I want it to be at?

What should I be doing now? Who should I be? Where should I be?

You know those questions...

I always do a check up...around my birthday -

Am I living the life I want? Or was created to live...?

Am I hitting my full potential? And what does that look like?
and if I am not...am I OK with that?
(a friend asked me that...am I OK...not being OK...ugh...NO...)

Well at this stage of the game...

Answering some of those questions...has gotten me thinking...

Yup...I am OK.

I am where I should be. Or I am getting to where I think I should be.

Oh...I am trying to tidy up a few lose ends...that I am dealing with...

but for the most part...yup

I am good. I think...??...wait...is that insecurity I hear...

I am a mom to a toddler...would not want it any other way.

I am married to a wonderful man of 16 years...I am blest indeed.

I am a counsellor who is part a non profit organization - helping individuals reach their full potential in Christ...Yup I am great with that.

I am finding creative ways to stay missionally minded as I teach my girl what that could look like...yup ...all good...

I have some good friends...yup that is a blessing.

I am making some new friends...that is a cool thing.

I have community...that is caring...yup its a great thing.

I have family that cares...yup that is a blessing.

I am continuing with my education...yup that is great.

I have a cozy warm home...yup its a good thing.

I have food. I have clothing. I have shoes. I have fun things. Yup ... all good

Oh...don't get me wrong...I have things to work on...to fix up...to try to change...to grieve over...to forget...to move on from...to forgive...
and I am OK...with that...not being ALL OK...

but for the most part at this stage of the game...It is good indeed.

At this time...I thought it would be a good idea to reread Beth Moore's Insecurity book...

I read it a few years back ... and low and behold...for some reason...did not learn anything!

I think most of the feelings...of "not OK"...comes from insecurity

Being insecure that we should be somewhere else in our life ... because we are comparing ourselves to others and think we too...need to be there...

and then feel where we are is not good enough.

That has been some of my thinking...I think I should be ... there...but I am here...

And if I thought I had insecurity issues before...my child...HA...

having a kid...brings on a whole new world of insecurities...

Feeling everything you are doing is wrong...whether it's real or not...
 brings out insecurities...of serious proportions.
NOT GONNA LIE

And I really don't like that. I don't want to be insecure. Not now in my life. Not of the same insecurities that I had like 20 years ago...seriously...

I want to be OK with what is going on and what I am doing because God is the centre of my life

and He is helping me along the way.

I know sometimes things are not OK...but I don't want to be insecure about them...

you know what I mean?

We lose that when we take our eyes of Jesus

It's really all about that...because when we take our eyes of Jesus...we look to people and other things...and well - that doesn't always work out so good.

I want to live into a life that my little girl will see and say...

mommy is secure in who she is in Christ - not in people
Even when things are yucky...and not OK...mommy is OK...and secure

in who she is...

so...ya things look different...in many ways...
and I am OK with that
That's life...life shifts for most of us...and who knows what someone may be

 called to do and change and move on to...in ones life time...

I am learning that...

I guess in a way...we need to allow each other to live into who God created us to be and that
may look different from season to season...

I know I will try harder to do that...more now than ever before

So...ya...Happy 45th...to me...!

That is what I want to live into

Being secure in who I am am in Christ...and living out my life with

passion and assurance that God loves me as I am, using the gifts and talents He gave
me to further His kingdom...I am OK with that.

 

Praying many will find that for themselves...way sooner than 45.

 

 

 

"God's grace is sufficient for me, for His strength is made perfect in weakness."

2 Cor 12:9

 

If the people we know are divided into those impressed with us and those not impressed, we're likely performing rather than living.

Donald Miller